Sunday, July 29, 2007

New virus worth $80bn to EC economies

Hi. I'm a virus writer. This is the first time I write something on the Internet, so I'm a little nervous. I thank Mr. Beez for allowing me to do so. Thank you, Mr. Beez! Well, I'm not so much as a virus writer, I'm more of a script kiddy. I like disrupting PC's, just like Mr. Microsoft. I heard that Mr. Microsoft has been in a little trouble lately with his Vista thing, but now it is alright, I think. He will be shipping his Vista thing in a few months now.

Yes, yes, Mr. Beez, I'll come to the point. Well, the reason Mr. Beez asked me to write this is that I have done in one night, what Mr. Microsoft couldn't do in five years. In essence, my little virus installs an Aerobic Vista look on every XP computer it infects. Of course, I didn't write that myself (like Mr. Microsoft), but I borrowed some code somewhere else.

A less favorable side effect is, that it slows the computer down and uses more memory. Just like Mr. Microsoft! Of course, it is not nice to write a virus that does nothing bad at all, so I added some code that will slow down or stop the fan <chuckle> <chuckle>!! So everybody will need to buy a new PC! Like Mr. Microsoft! No, I didn't write that myself.. But Mr. Microsoft doesn't have it. It has only this aerobic thingy. There's nothing in the virus that boosts your productivity. That wouldn't be fair to Mr. Microsoft.

In my most conservative estimate, it will infect about sixty million PC's in Europe over the next three months. That is twice as much as Vista in a quarter of the time. That will generate $80 billion in the EC due to "cascading economic benefits" from increased employment and taxes, creating a stronger economic base. That's not bad for one night work, isn't it, Mr. Beez?

I've already written EU competition commissioner Neelie Kroes complaining that delays to my virus (e.g. by virus scanners) could harm European competitiveness. That's logical, isn't it? We would have a head start. It will take the United States at least half a year to catch up! And the process is completely automated on top of that! It won't even cost you a penny!

Of course, writing a virus is still punishable by law. I've already talked to Chris Heaton-Harris and Roger Helmer (both MEP) to lift that legal restriction, just like Mrs. Microsoft-Ballmer (I didn't know he was married). Although she got just a little fine, I think. We will continue these talks at my next address:

68 Hornby Road
L9 3DF United Kingdom

What did you say, Mr. Beez, I got some names wrong? Well, that happens to you all the time, doesn't it?

No comments: